The L.A. Dime

The following comment was left by my brother Chad under the Big News post of two days ago. It was too good to be buried in the comment section, so I have copied it here:

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I should probably do this closer to the delivery date but I will do it now while things are still clear in my head. I hope you will be able to check back periodically and I will post new tips as my little fellow progresses through infancy.

1. You will be tired a lot. Suck it up. Although, it’s a different kind of tired. It’s a happy tired. Every time she squeaks you will be up and springing into action like a fireman on a four alarm fire.
2. D-Day, Delivery Day, will not go as planned. There are bumps in the road. Like a 19 hour delivery that suddenly, and I mean suddenly, turns into a C-section. Or Mandee peeing on the doctor. That was funny. It was like a urine grenade going off. I nearly got hit by the shrapnel 7 feet away. Ask questions. Often times the doctors and nurses do routine things that you do not understand. It helps to ask and find out what’s going on.
3. You will be nervous, you will be unsure. But all that goes out the window when you hear the first scream. THERE IS NOTHING IN THE WORLD LIKE HOLDING YOUR NEW LITTLE PERSON FOR THE FIRST TIME.
4. Baby tips are like assholes, everybody has one. Take them as you will, but remember every baby is different. She’ll tell you when she’s hungry, she’ll tell you when she needs changed, that’s about all you need to know for the first couple months.
5. Diaper changing is a very technical exercise. Speed is the key. Don’t stand there and look at your gorgeous naked baby. You will get wet, and so will the wall and surrounding decor. Speed I tell you, be quick.
6. Sometimes babies don’t want to eat, and sometimes babies don’t want to sleep. However, eventually they will want to eat, and eventually they will want to sleep. Just wait it out. It may not be when you want them to, but it doesn’t really matter. Babies are kinda selfish, they do what they want when they want and it doesn’t really matter what you want.
7. Sometimes babies just want to be held by their mommies, don’t get alarmed Brad, they are just used to mommy. She toted her around for nine months and you didn’t really do anything. But if you get upset, read tip 8.
8. Sometimes babies just want to be help by their daddies.
9. Burp, Burp, Burp. I sometimes feel like I should call social services on myself because I feel like Tommy Lee doing a solo on his back. It helps though.
10. Sometimes babies’ tummies hurt. It happens a lot. Mylocon drops are the answer. They work about 40 percent of the time which is a lot better than it sounds. Holding them works about 60 percent of the time. Doing the math would make you think that using drops and holding them will always work. It doesn’t, but the tummy ache will pass.
11. Don’t even think about a schedule for the first two months. It would be like picking G.W. to be your school’s representative for the spelling bee. It just doesn’t work out.
12. It’s not gas, it really is a smile, and it’s the next greatest day in your life.
13. Work in shifts. One stays up for 5-6 hours, then the next shift comes in. 5 hours of sleep will feel like a 10 day vacation in Hawaii.
My little man is now telling me he is hungry. It’s a very unmistakable, WAAH, WAHH, GURGLE GURGLE, WAAH WAAH. I really can’t do the decibel level justice but believe me, it’s loud. I’ll be back soon with some more tips. Sorry for the spelling errors if there are any, the cry I am hearing is like a ice pick through the brain. I don’t have time for proof reading.

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