The L.A. Dime

Everybody complains about the quality of movies lately. No originality. Everything seems familiar. Well, I can tell you first hand that there are plenty of fresh, creative ideas out here, but the studios just ain’t buyin’ them. If your project wasn’t already a novel, video game, comic book, existing film franchise or former TV show, they simply aren’t interested. Several cases in point:

I couldn’t sell my USC thesis script, “Band Geek,” when I graduated, but change the character names and slap “American Pie” on the cover and we had a deal. I’m not complaining, it was a great gig, I’m just sayin’.

A few years ago, my writing partner, Jan, and I wrote a PG script called “Squatch,” where Bigfoot ends up playing tailback in the NFL for the Seattle Seahawks. Magical creature. Football. Wish fulfillment. Family values. It was the total package. Everybody who read it, loved it — including Nickelodeon and Disney. Did anyone buy it? No. Why? Too original. It didn’t fit with anything they had ever seen before (What about “Teen Wolf,” people?). They couldn’t get their heads around it, and of course, it died. Not that our story compares with Hogwarts, but it’s a good thing J.K. Rowling didn’t write “Harry Potter” as a screenplay first, because she’d still be broke.

A year later, Jan and I conceived of another family movie we thought was brilliant. The title alone was killer. This time, we didn’t write the script, but instead pitched it around to whomever would listen. We got the same response — “too different” — and we left it for dead. A few months later, I got a call from Universal looking to revive their “Josie and the Pussycats” franchise. Jan and I quickly adapted our story to fit the “Josie” world, we made our pitch, and they bought it. See? It’s gotta have already been something, or it’s nothing. Unfortunately, months later, dear Josie flatlined on the operating table and our brilliant idea died with her.

Writing is like prostitution: the only way you have a shot at getting paid is if you put out. So I wrote another script. This one, called “Keg Stand,” was a cross between “”Beetlejuice” and “Animal House.” Two very funny, very successful films. We went out with the script last month on a Thursday, and over a year of hard labor was buried six feet under by Monday afternoon. Incidentally, a few weeks later, the movie rights to a not-yet-published novel about a ghost in a fraternity house were purchased for a hefty sum. Shoulda wrote the damn book.

Luckily for me, though, I recently managed to get a gig writing, of course, another sequel to a very successful film. I’m thrilled to have the work, but in between drafts, you better believe I’ll be working on my next big, original idea, hoping to convince some studio exec that it’s exactly like one of her favorite movies, just totally different.

For a brief history of my film career, see Pie and Peckinpah

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